The Company We Keep: How Community Shapes Who We Become
Humans are inherently social creatures. Our need for connection is deeply wired within us, and the communities we choose play a profound role in shaping our identities, influencing our growth through both triumphs and setbacks.
We often think of personal growth as an individual endeavor: self-improvement books, meditation practices, career advancements. But beneath these efforts lies an often-overlooked force: the people we surround ourselves with. Our communities can elevate us, hold us in place, or even lead us into regressive behaviors.
Community as Soil for Growth
Think of it this way: our communities are like soil. The right environment nourishes us, fostering growth. However, unhealthy conditions, such as rigid norms, stagnation, or negativity, can deplete our potential, slowing progress or even encouraging decline.
A Community Can Elevate Us
When we find ourselves in a community that aligns with our values and aspirations, transformation becomes possible. We feel seen, heard, and understood. These groups encourage us when we stumble, celebrate our successes, and challenge us to reach higher.
Imagine an immigrant artist from a background where creative pursuits were seen as secondary to financial security. When they join a multicultural art collective that celebrates storytelling across cultures, they begin to see their heritage not as something to hide but as a source of strength that fuels their creative expression. That kind of community doesn’t just validate, it liberates. Exposure to new ideas and diverse perspectives expands empathy, strengthens resilience, and deepens our sense of purpose. We grow not just in ambition, but in identity, belonging, and self-trust. These communities support us not by fixing our problems, but by walking with us as we face them, reminding us of who we are and who we can become.
A Community Can Stagnate Us
A community can also keep us the same. While it might not be overtly harmful, a stagnant community can foster complacency, subtly hindering our progress. Picture someone who has outgrown specific values in their long-time friend group. Perhaps they’re beginning to explore emotional vulnerability or personal development, but the group still relies on sarcasm or superficial banter to connect. Over time, that person may start to mute parts of themselves to stay in sync, quietly drifting from their growth and likely feeling more emotionally disconnected from others in the process.
Stagnancy often stems from environments that resist change, discourage curiosity, and treat growth as a threat. In these environments, we might find ourselves plateauing, feeling uninspired or unmotivated, or even developing a deep sense of discontent. Growth doesn’t come from comfort. It’s challenge, and sometimes discomfort, that unlocks our potential.
A Community Can Lead to Regressive Behaviors
And then some communities pull us backward, reinforcing toxic habits, narrow thinking, or destructive coping mechanisms. Someone trying to stay sober might struggle if their closest circle still centers connection around partying or numbing stress through substance use. Even with the best intentions, staying aligned with healing becomes harder when the group’s norms point in the opposite direction.
When we’re caught in circles defined by negativity, shame, or unresolved trauma, we may begin to adopt patterns that don’t serve us. Regressive communities reinforce the parts of us that are afraid, angry, or desensitized. Negative patterns are often normalized, leading to a general lack of personal accountability. This isn’t about blaming the community entirely: ultimately, our choices are our own. However, it’s undeniable that the pervasive influence of our surroundings can erode our personal boundaries and ethical compass, drawing us towards behaviors that don’t serve our long-term well-being.
Choosing Growth
Selecting a community isn’t just about comfort; it’s about alignment. The most impactful communities are ones that reflect our values, challenge our assumptions, and encourage us to become our best selves. This doesn’t mean seeking out perfect people, but rather finding spaces where collective growth is prioritized, where vulnerability is met with support, and where individuals encourage one another toward meaningful personal growth.
It’s a powerful truth: the people we surround ourselves with profoundly influence the choices we make. From the small, daily decisions to the major life paths we embark on, the norms, attitudes, and behaviors of our chosen communities seep into our own. Given this, it’s worth asking:
What kind of community are you building around yourself? Is it helping you grow, or is it holding you back?
Was there a time when someone else’s belief in you pushed you forward, or when a group’s judgment made you hesitate? These moments often carry the clearest clues about what you need most in a community today.
About the Author: Candice Leimkuhler, MS, LPC, is a licensed professional counselor with 20+ years of experience in behavioral healthcare. She is dedicated to growth, empowerment, and fostering meaningful change.
